guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Drunk is a universal language darling
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