I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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