Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
