Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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