"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
organizing the empties. That sober.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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