you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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