If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
