The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
