It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
well you can't waste a boner
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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