Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
