Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
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I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's blow job season.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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