Your mouth is God's brothel.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
