I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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