I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
