im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she smelled like a LAN party
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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