ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
