I just made out with a guy for $7.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
