So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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