There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
