I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
