Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
