Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
