Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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