Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.