Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups