That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
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We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
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When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.