It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
