My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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