So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
