Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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