I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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