And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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