My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
