the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
