my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
