I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I deserve this hangover.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
there is glitter all over my balls
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
