We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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