I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
