It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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