We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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