There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
