I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
