she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
