It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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