Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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