i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
