and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
