He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
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I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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