I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
