What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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