I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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