i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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