I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
