i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
