oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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