she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
