I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
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but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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